​No doubt about it – it has been a weird week.  
 
COVID-19 has disrupted our lives.  We’ve added new vocabulary like “social distancing,” and toilet paper and hand sanitizer have become currency.  Flexibility and communication have become important tools.  Like you, I’ve had to adjust my movements and the way I work.  It has been a scary and confusing time.  Sometimes information has been in short supply, not available at all or changing quickly.  We’ve had to make decisions in the moment with incomplete information based on what’s best for us.  Sometimes those decisions are not popular.  Or easy.  Clear communication and cooperation has been more important than ever!
 
During times such as these families have additional challenges:
 
Maybe you are teleworking.  Or have school-age children home for an extended time and daycare is an issue.  Or college-age kids home doing distance learning (and eating you out of house and home!).  Perhaps you’re worried about the stock market and its impact on your retirement account.  Perhaps you have family members at risk for virus exposure and illness. Maybe you can’t work and money will be tight.  The list of worries and stressors goes on and on.  
 
Now, imagine you are a family in transition or a divorced family in this crisis time.  What type of co-parenting relationship would you like to have? Would you like to be able to talk rationally to your co-parent in this crisis time?  Would you like to be able to evaluate the risks and make good decisions for your children together?  Cooperate with each other in order to get your college-age children home?  Arrange daycare coverage for your school-age kids who are now home? 
 
If you’ve been following this blog, you’ve met our Modern Family and have seen they had a contentious divorce, but after their Day of Reckoning (day-of-reckoning.html) decided they needed to work together in a more harmonious way for the good of their children.  After the divorce Modern Family Dad purchased a vacation home in the country.  In the wake of the COVID-19 outbreak he decided to retreat to this rural location for some “social distancing” and remote telework.  When schools closed, the two Modern Family college-age children bunked there for a while with him. Additionally, Modern Family Mom and Dad were in constant communication about the status and safety plan for all their children as the crisis unfolded.  In fact, Modern Family Dad invited Modern Family Mom, her Husband, his Darling Daughter, and all the Modern Family Children to join him and his guest at his rural retreat for the duration of the crisis.  This kind of ongoing cooperation and communication is an outgrowth of intentions they set in motion for the good of their children.  
 
How can mediation help?
 
Being a divorced family can be challenging under normal circumstances.  Extraordinary circumstances, whether a national crisis like a pandemic, or a family crisis, will be an additional challenge for a divorced family.  These circumstances will require increased cooperation and communication.  If the ego of the adults is engaged, rather than the best interest of the children, it is a recipe for disaster.  Deciding what type of co-parenting relationship you want to have from the beginning will set you up for success in the day-to-day and in times of crisis.  Mediation allows you to create the Parenting Plan that suits your values and needs and build a solid co-parenting relationship.  For now, stay home, stay flexible, and wash your hands!

​“Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
Around the whole room, and he took every present!” 
– Dr. Seuss – “How the Grinch Stole Christmas”
 
 
Even the Who Hash?  Yes, Cindy Lou Who, even the Who Hash.  In this scene, made famous in “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” the nasty Grinch takes everything  from the family’s house, right down to the last can of Who Hash.  He wipes the place clean. Before he commits this evil deed he spends lots of time scheming about how he plans to do it and he visualizes how good it will make him feel to do it and how bad it will make the other person feel.  He takes great joy in the planning and the pain he will inflict.  
 
I wish I could say this happens only in cartoon movies, but unfortunately I’ve seen this happen in relation to divorce.  When I used to work on the litigation side of things there were several times I’d get a distraught call from a client who came home to discover they had been “Who Hashed.”  Everything was gone.  Can you imagine coming home to find that your house has been cleaned out right down to the shower heads and the food in your freezer?  By your spouse, nonetheless? The client was understandably bewildered.  How could this happen?  Why would someone take everything?  Certainly no ONE person needs ALL the towels, draperies or sofas and chairs (or shower heads!)?! What happened to the idea of dividing possessions? They are in shock, angered and in pain.  Often they need to quickly provision their home again (at great expense) so that they and their children can continue to live in the home.  How could the other party be so selfish, they wonder.  Like the Grinch, this is an action that took a lot of planning, and while we can never really know their motivation, it certainly wasn’t intended to be a peaceful, cooperative or healing act.  And, as you can imagine, this only causes to escalate tensions in a litigated divorce.  It is unlikely there will be any civil relations or healing interactions after this level of betrayal. There’s really no coming back from being “Who Hashed.”
 
How can mediation help?
 
During mediation we discuss a large variety of topics, and ‘personal property’ – or, as I like to call it, ‘your stuff’ – is something I always bring up.  The manner in which you divide ‘your stuff’ is important, so let’s talk about it.  Let’s talk about what ‘your stuff’ means to you, and what you’re going to need as you transition into your new lives.  Let’s talk about all the options for dividing ‘your stuff’ so you can make your own decisions and everyone gets what they want and need and no one gets “Who Hashed.”  Let’s make that process peaceful, cooperative and healing.   And maybe everyone’s heart will grow three sizes that day!
 

Trigger Warning:
This post was originally created to highlight the possibility of collaborative and flexible co-parenting.  However, for parties dealing with a high conflict person (HCP), or any type of abuse, this level of cooperation will likely never be possible.  Furthermore, in abusive or controlling relationships you may view this through a different lens where you see this not as cooperative but as manipulative in order to get what they want.  I have included this warning to reflect your reality and have addressed the impact of this more thoroughly here (modern-family-update-with-a-twist.html).  

​How many times have you heard the phrase the “new normal?” It crops up frequently here at The Mediation Table.  For the families in transition I see in mediation,  we recognize that divorce is a life narrative that has been shattered.  Your life is not going to proceed as you envisioned.  However, we also recognize that divorce does not end the family, it restructures it – thus, the “new normal.”
 
If you’ve been following this blog, you’ve met our Modern Family and have seen they had a contentious divorce but after their Day of Reckoning (day-of-reckoning.html) decided they needed to work together in a more harmonious way for the good of their children. As with many divorces, our Modern Family had to make some hard choices and begin creating their “new normal” at the time of divorce.  Some of those choices were big – like living arrangements and job adjustments – and some were small, like creating new traditions in the day-to-day.  But they all worked together to create the “new normal” for all members of the family.
 
Modern Family Dad always traveled a lot for his job, but when they created their Parenting Plan, the Modern Family Parents decided it would be best for them to equally share their parenting time.  That meant Modern Family Dad had to make some changes.  He no longer traveled during his parenting weeks and he arranged with his employer to come into the office later and leave earlier during his parenting time.  This was all part of creating the “new normal.” (As a teacher, Modern Family Mom already had some of the needed flexibility). Modern Family Dad also recognized the importance of creating new daily routines for him and the Modern Family Children in this “new normal.” He started walking his children to the elementary school down the block each morning after packing their lunches together.  This was an important new ritual in their mornings that included stopping at a special corner in the sidewalk they christened the Hug Triangle, where Modern Family Dad said a special good-bye to each child for the day.  
 
None of these things existed prior to the divorce.  These were all purposefully constructed new accommodations and traditions designed to restructure the family framework for both the adults and the children in our Modern Family to make them feel happy and secure.  These job changes, as well as fresh, day-to-day traditions contributed to the “new normal” for our Modern Family.
 
How can mediation help?
 
Change is inevitable in divorce.  All divorcing families are in transition.  As we can see by our Modern Family example, it is possible to take the intentions begun in mediation and build new traditions for your family.  Mediation allows for full explorations of all those possibilities - the big ones like living arrangements and job accommodations  - as well as space to begin thinking about the new traditions you will create. So, what will your “new normal” look like?