​I recently had the privilege of contributing to a very important book to help families in transition during the pandemic.  This book, "Living Together, Separating, Divorcing: Surviving During a Pandemic" is a collection of articles meant to help separated and divorced families navigate the ups and downs of co-parenting during a crisis. It is available on Amazon, as an e-book or as a hard copy: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B088MF1W3M 
 
More than 70  mediators from around the world joined forces to put together this resource for families struggling during this unprecedented time.  What follows is my contribution:
 
Cooperation and Co-Parenting During a Time of Crisis
 
COVID-19 has disrupted our lives.  We’ve added new vocabulary like “social distancing,” and items like toilet paper and hand sanitizer have become currency.  Sometimes information has been in short supply, not available at all or changing quickly.  We’ve had to make decisions in the moment with incomplete information and sometimes those decisions are not popular.  Or easy. 
 
If you are divorced or separated parents, this time of crisis can make the regular issues of co-parenting more challenging.  These circumstances will require increased cooperation and communication.  If the ego of the adults is engaged, rather than the best interest of the children, it is a recipe for disaster.  
 
So, what can you do to successfully weather this crisis?

1.  Breathe.  Your children are taking their cues from you.  This pandemic is a trauma for everyone.  There is no playbook for this and we are all just doing the best we can.  But remember, your children are looking to you for assurance and certainty in the face of change.  
2. Communicate.  Talk to your children.  Talk to your co-parent.  This is an ever-evolving situation with no clear time frame.  People and plans can and will change.  Keep the lines of communication open and keep talking. 
3. Remember your intentions.  When you created your Parenting Plan with your co-parent you likely did so because you believed you were the best people to make decisions for your children and what you wanted your family to look like after the transition of divorce.  Keep those intentions in the forefront now.  Don’t lose sight of the goals you set for your family.
4. Remember this is temporary.  While the days are blending into one another right now, this too shall pass.  There may be adjustments you need to make to your Parenting Plan to weather this crisis, but think of them as coping skills for the good of everyone involved rather than permanent changes.  
5. Get help.  If you find you can’t successfully talk to your co-parent right now or are having trouble maintaining the intentions you both set forth in your Parenting Plan, get some help.  A trusted family member may be able to help you with perspective, a professional in the area of question may be able to give you a second opinion in the area of disagreement, or engaging the services of a mediator (many are working via an on-line platform like Zoom these days) can help you with your discussion. 

 
I recently heard from past clients of mine who were struggling with co-parenting time in light of the pandemic.  These parents are divorced and have a solid co-parenting relationship and can generally make good decisions together.  However, this situation had stretched their ability to agree about what was best for their daughter.  By the time they contacted me they had fairly successfully run through the five steps above and just needed some final feedback.  Prior to any shutdown orders, Dad had been travelling and Mom felt strongly that he should quarantine for 14 days prior to seeing their daughter again. Dad disagreed.  Together they decided to contact the child’s pediatrician and get some feedback.  The doctor recommended Dad quarantine before seeing the child and the parents agreed to abide by the doctor’s recommendation.  At all times the parents calmly communicated what was happening with each other and with the daughter.  During the 14-day quarantine time Dad “visited” with the child via electronic means so that they remained connected and Mom facilitated that contact.  Once Dad’s quarantine time was up the parents discussed further the wisdom of the daughter travelling back and forth between homes.  Dad lives in a highly populated apartment building and Mom lives in a single-family home.  Given the exposure risk of the apartment building, the parents jointly decided that all of Dad’s access would take place at Mom’s home and Dad would forego his overnight visits for the duration of the crisis for the safety of their daughter.  At this point they contacted me.  They had questions about how this temporary change in their schedule would impact their Parenting Plan.  We discussed the parameters of how they arrived at this decision,  and how they would decide when the temporary schedule would end and the normal schedule would resume.  We talked further about Mom’s added expenses of having the child with her full-time and whether child support would be impacted and we discussed if Dad wanted make-up time for his missed overnights.  We also created a shared script for the parents to talk to the child about these changes so the message remained consistent, and agreed upon issues that would trigger a return conversation in mediation or other help.
 
While these clients had done most of the heavy lifting on their own using the co-parenting skills they had been building, they needed a little help to finalize it and put it in action.  With the courts closed or operating on a limited capacity in many jurisdictions for the foreseeable future, creating agreements quickly to keep families stable is more important than ever. 
 
 
 
 

​Trigger Warning:
This post was originally created to highlight the possibility of collaborative and flexible co-parenting.  However, for parties dealing with a high conflict person (HCP), or any type of abuse, this level of cooperation will likely never be possible.  Furthermore, in abusive or controlling relationships you may view this through a different lens where you see this not as cooperative but as manipulative in order to get what they want.  I have included this warning to reflect your reality and have addressed the impact of this more thoroughly here (modern-family-update-with-a-twist.html).  

The holiday season has finally wound down for this year, but for the families I see at The Mediation Table holidays are something we talk about every day, all year round.  Part of creating any good Parenting Plan is a discussion about how the holidays will be celebrated going forward.  Most families need the structure of a good Parenting Plan, at least to get them started.
 
For those of you following this blog, you’ve met our Modern Family.  After an initial acrimonious divorce, Modern Family Mom and Dad learned how to work together for the good of the Modern Family Children (day-of-reckoning.html).  In the beginning they followed their Parenting plan to a “T.” The Modern Family Children are older now and although Modern Family Mom and Dad don’t really follow a formal Parenting Plan anymore, they still talk and coordinate time to maximize everyone’s enjoyment for each of the major holidays.  This year, Modern Family Dad celebrated a boisterous Thanksgiving gathering that included the Modern Family Children, friends, neighbors, and an especially cute visiting dog. He also enjoyed time with the Modern Family Children and their far-flung visiting cousins over New Year’s week.  Which, by agreement meant the Modern Family Children celebrated Christmas with Modern Family Mom.  
 
But Modern Family Dad knew he wanted to see their children around Christmas too, if at all possible.  So, in the spirit of what our Modern Family has developed over the years he called Modern Family Mom and invited ALL of them out to dinner in the few days before Christmas.  Yup, ALL of them.  And the truly Modern Family Christmas dinner was born!  Modern Family Mom, her husband, his daughter, Modern Family Dad and all the Modern Family Children enjoyed a lovely restaurant dinner before they all went their separate ways for Christmas.  And because of the trust they had rebuilt over the years, and the hard work they had put into their co-parenting relationship, everyone had a terrific time - TOGETHER.  And that new photo on Modern Family Dad’s Facebook page with him and the Modern Family Children?  It was taken by Modern Family Mom’s new husband!
 
How can mediation help? 
 
Certainly not every family will be a Modern Family, but each family has its own goals about what they want their future to look like after the transition of divorce - including how holiday time will be celebrated.  Mediation is a great place to talk about these and other goals and decide for yourself what you want the future to hold for you and your family.  The possibilities are endless.  Let’s talk. 

Trigger Warning:
This post was originally created to highlight the possibility of collaborative and flexible co-parenting.  However, for parties dealing with a high conflict person (HCP), or any type of abuse, this level of cooperation will likely never be possible.  Furthermore, in abusive or controlling relationships you may view this through a different lens where you see this not as cooperative but as manipulative in order to get what they want.  I have included this warning to reflect your reality and have addressed the impact of this more thoroughly here (modern-family-update-with-a-twist.html).  

Even before the divorce, Modern Family Dad was comfortable in the kitchen.  He travelled a lot for his job but when home he often took over the cooking duties and specialized in big breakfasts.  He really enjoyed making sure his family had a good meal before heading out the door in the morning for school and work.  It was one of the ways he showed them he loved them.  
 
If you’ll recall, our Modern Family initially had a contentious divorce but after their Day of Reckoning (day-of-reckoning.html​​) decided they needed to work together in a more harmonious way for the good of the children.  They were able to eventually co-parent effectively, but those changes didn’t happen overnight.  Trust had to be re-built.  But where to begin? Shortly after the Day of Reckoning, in addition to cooking for the kids each morning, Modern Family Dad started cooking a breakfast sandwich for Modern Family Mom on the mornings she picked the kids up before school.  He didn’t ask – he just did it.  He knew how she liked it – broken yolk, lightly toasted bagel – and he just had it ready for her when she showed up.  Just a small act of kindness on a hectic morning.  
 
Here at the Mediation Table the issues I see are often serious and hurtful, causing people to struggle with trusting their co-parents for any variety of reasons.  
 
So how do they rebuild trust and go forward in a workable co-parenting relationship?
 
It’s not easy.  And often times it takes baby steps. And while you don’t have to cook, it does start with the small things – like the Modern Family Mom breakfast sandwich.  Or just small kindnesses in general.  Remember, you don’t have to be married to (or partnered with) these people anymore, but you will forever be the parents of the children you have together.  So treat your co-parent with kindness and respect by:

1. Showing up on time for pick up and drop off
2. Texting or calling when you are delayed or late
3. Doing what you say you are going to do when you say you are going to do it
4. Being on time with payments or reimbursements
5. Speaking respectfully to and about each other

 
Exhibiting kindness and respect for your co-parent will not only make your life more pleasant but it will model wonderful, collaborative behavior for your children.  And who knows, you may even get a breakfast sandwich out of it!