|
|
No doubt about it – it has been a weird week.
COVID-19 has disrupted our lives. We’ve added new vocabulary like “social distancing,” and toilet paper and hand sanitizer have become currency. Flexibility and communication have become important tools. Like you, I’ve had to adjust my movements and the way I work. It has been a scary and confusing time. Sometimes information has been in short supply, not available at all or changing quickly. We’ve had to make decisions in the moment with incomplete information based on what’s best for us. Sometimes those decisions are not popular. Or easy. Clear communication and cooperation has been more important than ever! During times such as these families have additional challenges: Maybe you are teleworking. Or have school-age children home for an extended time and daycare is an issue. Or college-age kids home doing distance learning (and eating you out of house and home!). Perhaps you’re worried about the stock market and its impact on your retirement account. Perhaps you have family members at risk for virus exposure and illness. Maybe you can’t work and money will be tight. The list of worries and stressors goes on and on. Now, imagine you are a family in transition or a divorced family in this crisis time. What type of co-parenting relationship would you like to have? Would you like to be able to talk rationally to your co-parent in this crisis time? Would you like to be able to evaluate the risks and make good decisions for your children together? Cooperate with each other in order to get your college-age children home? Arrange daycare coverage for your school-age kids who are now home? If you’ve been following this blog, you’ve met our Modern Family and have seen they had a contentious divorce, but after their Day of Reckoning (day-of-reckoning.html) decided they needed to work together in a more harmonious way for the good of their children. After the divorce Modern Family Dad purchased a vacation home in the country. In the wake of the COVID-19 outbreak he decided to retreat to this rural location for some “social distancing” and remote telework. When schools closed, the two Modern Family college-age children bunked there for a while with him. Additionally, Modern Family Mom and Dad were in constant communication about the status and safety plan for all their children as the crisis unfolded. In fact, Modern Family Dad invited Modern Family Mom, her Husband, his Darling Daughter, and all the Modern Family Children to join him and his guest at his rural retreat for the duration of the crisis. This kind of ongoing cooperation and communication is an outgrowth of intentions they set in motion for the good of their children. How can mediation help? Being a divorced family can be challenging under normal circumstances. Extraordinary circumstances, whether a national crisis like a pandemic, or a family crisis, will be an additional challenge for a divorced family. These circumstances will require increased cooperation and communication. If the ego of the adults is engaged, rather than the best interest of the children, it is a recipe for disaster. Deciding what type of co-parenting relationship you want to have from the beginning will set you up for success in the day-to-day and in times of crisis. Mediation allows you to create the Parenting Plan that suits your values and needs and build a solid co-parenting relationship. For now, stay home, stay flexible, and wash your hands!
0 Comments
Trigger Warning:
This post was originally created to highlight the possibility of collaborative and flexible co-parenting. However, for parties dealing with a high conflict person (HCP), or any type of abuse, this level of cooperation will likely never be possible. Furthermore, in abusive or controlling relationships you may view this through a different lens where you see this not as cooperative but as manipulative in order to get what they want. I have included this warning to reflect your reality and have addressed the impact of this more thoroughly here (modern-family-update-with-a-twist.html). How many times have you heard the phrase the “new normal?” It crops up frequently here at The Mediation Table. For the families in transition I see in mediation, we recognize that divorce is a life narrative that has been shattered. Your life is not going to proceed as you envisioned. However, we also recognize that divorce does not end the family, it restructures it – thus, the “new normal.” If you’ve been following this blog, you’ve met our Modern Family and have seen they had a contentious divorce but after their Day of Reckoning (day-of-reckoning.html) decided they needed to work together in a more harmonious way for the good of their children. As with many divorces, our Modern Family had to make some hard choices and begin creating their “new normal” at the time of divorce. Some of those choices were big – like living arrangements and job adjustments – and some were small, like creating new traditions in the day-to-day. But they all worked together to create the “new normal” for all members of the family. Modern Family Dad always traveled a lot for his job, but when they created their Parenting Plan, the Modern Family Parents decided it would be best for them to equally share their parenting time. That meant Modern Family Dad had to make some changes. He no longer traveled during his parenting weeks and he arranged with his employer to come into the office later and leave earlier during his parenting time. This was all part of creating the “new normal.” (As a teacher, Modern Family Mom already had some of the needed flexibility). Modern Family Dad also recognized the importance of creating new daily routines for him and the Modern Family Children in this “new normal.” He started walking his children to the elementary school down the block each morning after packing their lunches together. This was an important new ritual in their mornings that included stopping at a special corner in the sidewalk they christened the Hug Triangle, where Modern Family Dad said a special good-bye to each child for the day. None of these things existed prior to the divorce. These were all purposefully constructed new accommodations and traditions designed to restructure the family framework for both the adults and the children in our Modern Family to make them feel happy and secure. These job changes, as well as fresh, day-to-day traditions contributed to the “new normal” for our Modern Family. How can mediation help? Change is inevitable in divorce. All divorcing families are in transition. As we can see by our Modern Family example, it is possible to take the intentions begun in mediation and build new traditions for your family. Mediation allows for full explorations of all those possibilities - the big ones like living arrangements and job accommodations - as well as space to begin thinking about the new traditions you will create. So, what will your “new normal” look like?
My morning routine consists of coffee and reading the Washington Post. In this day and age of contentious news, I generally stick to the advice columnists and the funny pages (as my grandfather used to call the comics). Recently, one of my favorite columnists posted a question that hit a little too close to my mediator heart. Here’s the link: https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/advice/carolyn-hax-what-to-do-when-divorced-dad-acts-like-the-baby-of-the-family/2020/02/11/35fb043e-49e8-11ea-b4d9-29cc419287eb_story.html In a nutshell, the adult letter writer has parents who divorced 15+ years ago and she is still experiencing fall-out from their contentious divorce. Specifically, she is asking how to deal with acrimonious divorced parents in light of her child’s (their grandchild’s) upcoming bar mitzvah. Her parents cannot, after more than 15 years of divorce, be in the same room with each other and the letter writer is looking for advice for brokering civility for the sake of this once-in-a-lifetime event. Sad, right? What I see here are the consequence of actions set into place from the very beginning of the divorce. When I meet with parents in mediation, one of the very first things we talk about is the fact that they can end the business of being married to each other but they can never end the business of being co-parents. At this juncture I usually get push-back from one or both parents who insist that parenting duties end at age 18 (or graduation from high school or other emancipating event). Perhaps in the eyes of the law they do – but what about in life? I invite them to think about all the life events that occur after the age of 18: college graduations, marriages, grandchildren, baptisms, bar/mat mitzvahs? Or what about big, milestone events in the family like anniversaries or birthdays? Or even funerals? (as I’ve written about here no-regrets.html). Are they just going to skip those? Hmmmm. I invite them to envision the interactions and relationships they would like to be able to have with their children, as well as with each other, not only for the years leading up to the magic age of 18, but well beyond for all these life events. What would that look like? What would that feel like? How can mediation help? In mediation we can discuss things like intentions and feelings. We get to envision future relationships and structure agreements that honor those intentions and build a plan for success. In mediation you are making your own decisions about what your future relationships will look like rather than having someone else make those decisions for you. Now, doesn’t that sound better than becoming the topic of a future advice column letter? Trigger Warning:
This post was originally created to highlight the possibility of collaborative and flexible co-parenting. However, for parties dealing with a high conflict person (HCP), or any type of abuse, this level of cooperation will likely never be possible. Furthermore, in abusive or controlling relationships you may view this through a different lens where you see this not as cooperative but as manipulative in order to get what they want. I have included this warning to reflect your reality and have addressed the impact of this more thoroughly here (modern-family-update-with-a-twist.html). The holiday season has finally wound down for this year, but for the families I see at The Mediation Table holidays are something we talk about every day, all year round. Part of creating any good Parenting Plan is a discussion about how the holidays will be celebrated going forward. Most families need the structure of a good Parenting Plan, at least to get them started. For those of you following this blog, you’ve met our Modern Family. After an initial acrimonious divorce, Modern Family Mom and Dad learned how to work together for the good of the Modern Family Children (day-of-reckoning.html). In the beginning they followed their Parenting plan to a “T.” The Modern Family Children are older now and although Modern Family Mom and Dad don’t really follow a formal Parenting Plan anymore, they still talk and coordinate time to maximize everyone’s enjoyment for each of the major holidays. This year, Modern Family Dad celebrated a boisterous Thanksgiving gathering that included the Modern Family Children, friends, neighbors, and an especially cute visiting dog. He also enjoyed time with the Modern Family Children and their far-flung visiting cousins over New Year’s week. Which, by agreement meant the Modern Family Children celebrated Christmas with Modern Family Mom. But Modern Family Dad knew he wanted to see their children around Christmas too, if at all possible. So, in the spirit of what our Modern Family has developed over the years he called Modern Family Mom and invited ALL of them out to dinner in the few days before Christmas. Yup, ALL of them. And the truly Modern Family Christmas dinner was born! Modern Family Mom, her husband, his daughter, Modern Family Dad and all the Modern Family Children enjoyed a lovely restaurant dinner before they all went their separate ways for Christmas. And because of the trust they had rebuilt over the years, and the hard work they had put into their co-parenting relationship, everyone had a terrific time - TOGETHER. And that new photo on Modern Family Dad’s Facebook page with him and the Modern Family Children? It was taken by Modern Family Mom’s new husband! How can mediation help? Certainly not every family will be a Modern Family, but each family has its own goals about what they want their future to look like after the transition of divorce - including how holiday time will be celebrated. Mediation is a great place to talk about these and other goals and decide for yourself what you want the future to hold for you and your family. The possibilities are endless. Let’s talk. A Modern Family Summer Vacation
Trigger Warning: This post was originally created to highlight the possibility of collaborative and flexible co-parenting. However, for parties dealing with a high conflict person (HCP), or any type of abuse, this level of cooperation will likely never be possible. Furthermore, in abusive or controlling relationships you may view this through a different lens where you see this not as cooperative but as manipulative in order to get what they want. I have included this warning to reflect your reality and have addressed the impact of this more thoroughly here (modern-family-update-with-a-twist.html). Summertime is here. In addition to sun and fun this often means a different schedule than during the school year for divorced families, especially for those with school-aged children. When I work with families on their Parenting Plan, one of the things I address is whether ‘summertime schedule’ will look different than ‘school year schedule.’ Even for people without school-aged children, summertime at the very least means discussing vacation time spent with each parent. Like all other aspects of the Parenting Plan, vacation planning works best when there is communication and compromise. What does that look like? Once again, I turn to our thoroughly Modern Family to show us how it can work: *** The ink was barely dry on the Modern Family divorce papers when it was time to plan summer vacation. Modern Family Dad and Modern Family Mom had been very thoughtful in their Parenting Plan and while feelings were still raw, they anticipated no problems in their first co-parenting foray. What could go wrong? They had executed such a thoughtful Parenting Plan!! Modern Family Dad knew exactly what he wanted his first post-divorce vacation to be with Modern Family Kids. Being the ♪son of a son of a sailor♪ he had always wanted to take his kids on a sailing trip, something Modern Family Mom wasn’t interested in. Now was finally the perfect time! He researched his options and found the perfect boat, itinerary and location – there was only one snag. The week he chose conflicted with another aspect of their Parenting Plan. See, Modern Family Mom loves her birthday and their Parenting Plan included a provision that the children are to spend the day with Modern Family Mom on her birthday. And Modern Family Mom’s birthday happened to fall during the time Modern Family Dad wanted to take Modern Family kids sailing. Now what? Modern Family Dad had an idea, but it was going to require communication and compromise on the part of both him and Modern Family Mom. Would it work? Modern Family Dad called Modern Family Mom and proposed his plan. He suggested to sail with the kids during his chosen week and then pay to fly Modern Family Mom to a resort along their itinerary route at the end of the week. His plan was to dock the boat and drop off Modern Family Kids so they could spend her birthday weekend with Modern Family Mom, thus ensuring that both parents got quality time with the kids, Modern Family Dad got his dream sailing trip and the birthday provision of the Parenting Plan was honored. Needless to say Modern Family Mom said yes (who wouldn’t say yes to a free vacation!) and the kids had a fantastic summer vacation experience as well as the opportunity to see their parents working together. *** There are many considerations to successful vacation planning under your new family structure – here are just a few:
And, as our thoroughly Modern Familyshows us, even with good planning and a clear Parenting Plan, sometimes you just need to be flexible and communicative in order to maximize opportunities and do what is best for YOUR family. |
AuthorWrite something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview. Archives
June 2026
Categories
All
|
RSS Feed