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I love DIY projects – remodeling, cooking, repairs. There is satisfaction in doing things for yourself and saving a bit of money while you’re at it. But I also know when to bring in the big guns – professionals like plumbers, roofers or electricians. There are just some things I know not to attempt and when it’s better to get the experts involved. Divorce and custody are the same way.
Lately I’ve had a string of mediations where we are working to clean up the mess of a DIY divorce. Statistically 91% of uncontested (Mutual Consent) divorces in Maryland are done pro se (self-represented)! Most families use a DIY divorce to save money - but filing for divorce yourself doesn’t mean you have to go through the process completely unassisted. Your mediator can be the professional who helps you get from the “kitchen table” discussion to a successful, complete agreement. My recent cases have involved couples who did a true “kitchen table” divorce – where they sat down together, talked things out and filled out the court forms for Parenting Plan and Marital Settlement Agreement. However, now many months past their divorce they are discovering how incomplete their decisions were. Yes- those forms will get you divorced. But those forms do not capture the nuances necessary for enduring agreements. They also don’t come with anyone to assist you with explanations about process, modifications or other issues to think about. In my recent cases the parties had no concept of modification of child support or custody, had not specified what expenses for the children were allowed and what the mechanism for reimbursement was, had no arrangements for communication between the parents or with the children, did not adequately address the division of their personal property, did not discuss relocation or the presence of significant others, and failed to clarify scope of alimony – just for starters! All these issues and more would have been covered thoroughly in mediation. They are now spending money to clear up the mess, debunk assumptions and create clearer and more enduring agreements. I’m always in favor of couples discussing issues safely before and outside of mediation. It can be a great tool for moving the discussion forward. However, involving some sort of professional to expand the scope of your discussions and make sure everything is covered is the best way to successfully complete the process.
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I like information. I love a good deep dive into a topic to help me be more informed about my options and how to move forward. These days we have more resources than ever to facilitate that. We’ve all used Dr. Google before reaching out to a trusted practitioner or used an AI resource to scout for better airfares or plan a trip. But these research options often come with red flags. Dr. Google may claim you’re suffering from a deathly ailment, or the AI generated travel plan may highlight options that don’t exist in real life. I’ve experienced both! The same is true for mediation. It is well-established that AI often hallucinates and lacks other critical elements for an ethical mediation. (https://www.pon.harvard.edu/daily/mediation/ai-mediation-using-ai-to-help-mediate-disputes/) I’ve been practicing mediation for 12 years and this year has brought the new challenge of AI into the process. I’ve had repeated instances of clients quoting me “law” they learned on ChatGPT regarding retirement account division, alimony awards and child support – that have zero basis in actual Maryland law. Or clients presenting full agreements or parenting plans written by AI – again, failing to take into consideration local rules, laws or the wishes of the other party. While it is a shortcut, it truly is a “double-edged sword.” (https://www.kcba.org/?pg=News-Bar-Bulletin&blAction=showEntry&blogEntry=126105) And while I always support parties safely talking and generating proposals/ideas outside the mediation process, if they are not using quality sources then they run the risk of derailing the process with false assumptions. And of course there is much more to divorce than facts and figures generated by a machine. That’s the reason you hire a mediator or other qualified professionals. The mediator will find the nuance in your situation, explore numerous, creative options, facilitate conversation, create empathy and a safe space for everyone to be heard and will assure that your agreement actually conforms to local law and process. No machine can do that (not yet anyway!). AI is cautionary for the mediation process in several ways:
There are many ways in which the use of AI in the mediation process in unethical and violates many of the main tenets of the process. (https://www.cardozojcr.com/cjcr-blog/ai-mediation-ethically-questionable) In mediation we can build trust between parties, which is central to a successful resolution. AI can’t do that. In addition to making agreements in mediation, we are also learning HOW to resolve disputes and conflicts independently. If you rely on a machine, you are missing out on the learning process. Ok – so lots of concerns, but how about the positives? I am by no measure anti-technology and believe it betters our life in many ways. For mediation, AI is terrific at sifting through lots of information quickly, which can be really helpful for analyzing financial data or creating budgets. It is also helpful in scheduling and other administrative actions. Mediation is a process that can’t be shortchanged by a machine – and while it may help with some research it will not replace the human element for a quality, lasting outcome. “All’s Fair” on Hulu
I watched so you don’t have to. Recently a new TV series entitled “All’s Fair “launched – a legal drama that Hulu describes this way: A team of female divorce attorneys leave a male-dominated firm to open their own powerhouse practice. Fierce, brilliant, and emotionally complicated, they navigate high-stakes breakups, scandalous secrets, and shifting allegiances—both in the courtroom and within their own ranks. In a world where money talks and love is a battleground, these women don’t just play the game—they change it. It stars big names such as Naomi Watts, Sarah Paulson, Kim Kardashian, Glenn Close and Niecy Nash – as well as many other highly recognizable faces in “guest starring roles.” I watched the first 4 episodes to see what all the hype was about. Phew! Where to begin? While this may be highly entertaining to some (think Real Housewives Of _______ type TV), it is less about divorce practice than it is a soap opera about the messy personal lives of the characters. And it in no way embodies a typical divorce practice. In fact, the salacious, beautiful-people esthetic, with attorneys in button-popping, designer clothes, big jewels and fancy private jets and cars is representative of maybe the top 1% of family law practitioners who serve the top 1% of the population. Trust me, most divorce professionals are not sitting around eating catered lunches and drinking champagne in their offices. But perhaps more absurd (and destructive) than the misleading outward appearance is the disservice this show does to the divorce industry as a whole. By sensationalizing a “War of the Roses” mindset to divorce where everyone is gunning for huge payouts and revenge, it reinforces an outdated and outmoded view of the process as a battle. This winner-take-all position is not at all the way most divorces play out these days. Today divorce is a customized, problem-solving process guided by professionals, not a battle. In fact, the divorce industry has worked for years to change the narrative surrounding divorce away from the combative storylines depicted in the show. Today’s divorce practice focuses on cooperation, accessibility, self-direction (with things like mediation and collaborative practice driving this) and cost effectiveness. In my mediation practice the focus is on divorce as a life transition to be navigated, not a battle royale. Unlike what is depicted in this TV drama, generally today’s divorce professionals: -are not elitist -are not mysterious -are not wallet-draining -are not hierarchical -do not use big, confusing words with their clients -do not insult their peers -do not condone violence or revenge -do not negotiate with threats Instead, we operate with respect and create rapport with our colleagues, we explain topics to our clients in easy-to-understand language, we are conscious of the cost involved, we listen to our clients, and we work WITH them for their desired outcome. But the show isn’t all trash. It gets a few things right about divorce professionals: -it depicts the value of supportive friendships -it shows how we work as a team and include other experts and supports when needed -it accurately represents that we are NOT easily intimidated by the process, setbacks or others who are not behaving professionally -it captures how deeply we care about our clients and their outcome – and that we celebrate successes with them -it accurately depicts the wide range of emotions our clients go through during the process In today’s divorce world, are there combative professionals? Sure. But if you hire someone who is gunning for a battle, you’re going to get a never-settle attitude as depicted on TV. Most modern-day divorce professionals are focused on solutions that reflect the nuances of your situation, not inflammation. In fact, about 95% of divorces settle outside the courtroom. The bottom line: this show focuses on the experiences of the ultra-rich and is stylized for TV. So while it may be a fun source of entertainment for some, please do not take it as a source of information for the realities of modern-day divorce. If you’ve been with me awhile, you are familiar with my Modern Family blog series (the-hug-triangle.html, not-just-another-christmas-dinner.html, power-of-the-breakfast-sandwich.html, no-regrets.html, day-of-reckoning.html, summertime-vacation-wows-or-woes.html, parent-season.html). These were originally designed to highlight cooperative and flexible co-parenting – and they still do. By writing those posts it was my goal to show what is possible in the realm of co-parenting after divorce.
However, I want to acknowledge that there are some parents who will never achieve this level of cooperation. There are high conflict individuals or couples who make this type of co-parenting an impossibility. And for those who are trying to co-parent with high-conflict people (HCP), these Modern Family blogs just hit differently. What these parents see when they read these examples is not the sunny side of cooperation and flexibility but a much darker side of manipulation and control. These aren’t parents trying to be thoughtful, engaged and flexible – but instead a pattern of parents trying to buck the system and get their way under the guise of kindness. They are the charming rule-breakers acting in self-interest. The technical name for the most extreme type of this manipulative behavior is coercive control. It is a form of abuse and can show up as financial, emotional, social and/or parenting manipulation that can be subtle, subversive and damaging. Coercive Control is defined as: A course of conduct aimed at dominating or controlling another and which has the effect of trapping and isolating victims. It may include any combination of these types of behaviors:
How mediation can help: The legal world is becoming savvy to these types of individuals and crafting solutions to deal with them. In many countries and several USA states there are laws in place recognizing it as abuse and codifying its punishment. For mediation, that means finding a mediator trained to spot HCPs, manage them well during the process by addressing safety issues and balancing power, being open to utilizing outside support when needed (like therapy or Parenting Coordinators), crafting a Parenting Plan that are less likely to be used as a tool of manipulation and control (creating limits/deadlines), or even declining mediation as inappropriate in extreme situations and/or terminating mediation and referring the parties for legal advocacy. When successful, mediation with HCPs can provide victims a sense of agency and empowerment and provide families a good road map forward, as well as all the usual benefits of mediation. So today I’m amending my Modern Family blog series to include a trigger warning on each post for all those people out there dealing with a high conflict person (HCP), coercive control or any kind of abuse. This warning will acknowledge both the possibility and optimism of collaborative co-parenting and the reality of abuse, HCPs and coercive control. It will underscore that these blog posts can be viewed through both lenses depending on circumstances. And by including this explanation, both here and on those impacted blog posts, I hope to indicate that mediation isn’t always sunshine and roses with a Pollyanna outcome, that different types of parenting styles, conflict and people exist and that mediation can and should adapt to those circumstances. Unless you’ve been living under a rock you probably know that this weekend there is a big football game between the team Taylor Swift’s boyfriend plays for and the other red and gold team. And while I’m much more of a college football fan (Go Dawgs!) all this makes me think of mediation. Huh? How you may ask?
This Super Bowl LVIII will be played in Las Vegas and Las Vegas always makes me think of confidentiality in mediation. Let me explain. First, let’s unpack confidentiality in mediation. Confidentiality is at the heart of mediation and is one of the first things I discuss with my clients. All parties involved in the mediation process must feel assured that they can speak openly in the mediation sessions without the fear of subsequent disclosure of that information. Speaking freely allows us to uncover all topics and get to the heart of the issues. It allows us to create and nurture a safe space, meet the needs of the parties and craft a creative solution. I assure my clients that confidentially applies whether we’re all meeting together in joint session, as well as if I’m meeting with them separately in breakout sessions*. Many clients opt for mediation specifically BECAUSE of the confidentiality aspect of mediation. They have no appetite to have their emotional, sexual, financial or the reasons for the breakdown of their marriage as part of the public record for their neighbors, colleagues or children to see in the future, which would happen if they pursued litigation. Prior to mediation my clients (and any other parties attending mediation, like attorneys or financial specialist) sign an Agreement to Mediate which, in large part, is a confidentiality agreement. This outlines the role of confidentiality in mediation. The first time I meet with my clients we spend a large part of my introduction discussing what confidentiality is and isn’t. And I give my clients ample time to discuss this, make sure they understand the scope of confidentiality in mediation and that they understand that mediation will be a safe space. And each subsequent time I meet with my clients, I remind them about confidentiality. That’s how important it is to the mediation process! So what does mediation have to do with the Super Bowl? When explaining confidentiality to my clients I tell them it is like those old Las Vegas commercials that said “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas . . .” -- Confidentiality in mediation means what happens in mediation stays in mediation! And when I use this analogy, the heads nod and the smiles creep in and I know everyone is on board with confidentiality and we are ready to proceed! *There are a few, special exceptions to confidentiality. Please discuss these with your mediator. Now more than fourteen months into the pandemic, we are weary. Parenting and family problems haven’t gone away. As we continue to navigate this crisis I am thrilled to have the privilege of contributing to a second book addressing the continuing strain on families who struggle with the consequences of the pandemic. In this book “Family Conflict During a Pandemic: Stories of Struggle and Hope,” more than 90 mediators and related professionals from around the globe joined together to create this book filled with advice, support, compassion and hope. It is available on Amazon, as an e-book or as a hard copy: https://www.amazon.com/Family-Conflict-During-Pandemic-Struggle/dp/B093MQP11B/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1620224715&sr=1-3
What follows is my contribution to this book: A Window Into their World – Online Dispute Resolution In my area the courts have been operating on some sort of reduced service since March 2020. I temporarily closed my physical office at about the same time due to social distancing concerns. I’ve been practicing ODR (On-line Dispute Resolution) via Zoom since April 2020 in an attempt to offer continuity of care to my existing clients and a viable alternative to new clients and for those who cannot receive court services. I had never offered mediation on-line before and had lots of fears and expectations, but none lived up to my actual experiences. At that time the whole world was becoming Zoom-savvy. I would tell my clients that even my 78-year-old mother had managed to figure out how to take her Pilates classes on Zoom so I’m sure they could figure it out too! And slowly, mediation came to Zoom. And that is when I got a glimpse into the resiliency of the families struggling with issues during this pandemic. And I was astounded by what I saw. For the first time as a mediator I was literally looking into the homes of the families I was serving. I mediated a mother crying in her daughter’s closet – because it was the only private place in the house she could get away from the children. I’ve had sessions interrupted by children who are being homeschooled and know mom or dad is right there in the next room. I’ve mediated scores of people sitting in their cars and it is the only quiet, private place they can find since their house is full of other people working or going to school. I’ve even mediated couples where one spouse is on a computer upstairs and the other spouse is on a computer in the basement. Just a few short months ago these scenarios would have seemed outrageous and would have been unnecessary. Today they are the norm. And of course everyone who has spent any time on Zoom can tell a story about an errant child or pet roaming through, or some terrible technology glitch. My particular favorite is the client who applied her full face of extensive make-up – false eye lashes and all – while we were mediating. Apparently she was headed right out to work. All of these clients were motivated to find a way to work with their co-parent in any way possible. They did not allow the court closure or the inability to meet in person to delay their desire for dispute resolution. In fact, I am finding that ODR is working just as well as in-person mediation. Many of my clients actually prefer ODR to in-person mediation. Some of the reasons they cite are: no commuting or parking issues allowing for more flexible scheduling, not having to wear a mask, not having to see their co-parent in person (especially helpful in very contentious cases), feeling more comfortable in their own home. While I’ve had to adjust as the facilitator of these conversations, I too benefit from these changes and believe that ODR in some fashion is here to stay. Buy both books here: "Living Together, Separating, Divorcing: Surviving During a Pandemic" https://www.amazon.com/dp/B088MF1W3M “Family Conflict During a Pandemic: Stories of Struggle and Hope” https://www.amazon.com/Family-Conflict-During-Pandemic-Struggle/dp/B093MQP11B/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1620224715&sr=1-3 I recently had the privilege of contributing to a very important book to help families in transition during the pandemic. This book, "Living Together, Separating, Divorcing: Surviving During a Pandemic" is a collection of articles meant to help separated and divorced families navigate the ups and downs of co-parenting during a crisis. It is available on Amazon, as an e-book or as a hard copy: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B088MF1W3M
More than 70 mediators from around the world joined forces to put together this resource for families struggling during this unprecedented time. What follows is my contribution: Cooperation and Co-Parenting During a Time of Crisis COVID-19 has disrupted our lives. We’ve added new vocabulary like “social distancing,” and items like toilet paper and hand sanitizer have become currency. Sometimes information has been in short supply, not available at all or changing quickly. We’ve had to make decisions in the moment with incomplete information and sometimes those decisions are not popular. Or easy. If you are divorced or separated parents, this time of crisis can make the regular issues of co-parenting more challenging. These circumstances will require increased cooperation and communication. If the ego of the adults is engaged, rather than the best interest of the children, it is a recipe for disaster. So, what can you do to successfully weather this crisis?
I recently heard from past clients of mine who were struggling with co-parenting time in light of the pandemic. These parents are divorced and have a solid co-parenting relationship and can generally make good decisions together. However, this situation had stretched their ability to agree about what was best for their daughter. By the time they contacted me they had fairly successfully run through the five steps above and just needed some final feedback. Prior to any shutdown orders, Dad had been travelling and Mom felt strongly that he should quarantine for 14 days prior to seeing their daughter again. Dad disagreed. Together they decided to contact the child’s pediatrician and get some feedback. The doctor recommended Dad quarantine before seeing the child and the parents agreed to abide by the doctor’s recommendation. At all times the parents calmly communicated what was happening with each other and with the daughter. During the 14-day quarantine time Dad “visited” with the child via electronic means so that they remained connected and Mom facilitated that contact. Once Dad’s quarantine time was up the parents discussed further the wisdom of the daughter travelling back and forth between homes. Dad lives in a highly populated apartment building and Mom lives in a single-family home. Given the exposure risk of the apartment building, the parents jointly decided that all of Dad’s access would take place at Mom’s home and Dad would forego his overnight visits for the duration of the crisis for the safety of their daughter. At this point they contacted me. They had questions about how this temporary change in their schedule would impact their Parenting Plan. We discussed the parameters of how they arrived at this decision, and how they would decide when the temporary schedule would end and the normal schedule would resume. We talked further about Mom’s added expenses of having the child with her full-time and whether child support would be impacted and we discussed if Dad wanted make-up time for his missed overnights. We also created a shared script for the parents to talk to the child about these changes so the message remained consistent, and agreed upon issues that would trigger a return conversation in mediation or other help. While these clients had done most of the heavy lifting on their own using the co-parenting skills they had been building, they needed a little help to finalize it and put it in action. With the courts closed or operating on a limited capacity in many jurisdictions for the foreseeable future, creating agreements quickly to keep families stable is more important than ever. No doubt about it – it has been a weird week.
COVID-19 has disrupted our lives. We’ve added new vocabulary like “social distancing,” and toilet paper and hand sanitizer have become currency. Flexibility and communication have become important tools. Like you, I’ve had to adjust my movements and the way I work. It has been a scary and confusing time. Sometimes information has been in short supply, not available at all or changing quickly. We’ve had to make decisions in the moment with incomplete information based on what’s best for us. Sometimes those decisions are not popular. Or easy. Clear communication and cooperation has been more important than ever! During times such as these families have additional challenges: Maybe you are teleworking. Or have school-age children home for an extended time and daycare is an issue. Or college-age kids home doing distance learning (and eating you out of house and home!). Perhaps you’re worried about the stock market and its impact on your retirement account. Perhaps you have family members at risk for virus exposure and illness. Maybe you can’t work and money will be tight. The list of worries and stressors goes on and on. Now, imagine you are a family in transition or a divorced family in this crisis time. What type of co-parenting relationship would you like to have? Would you like to be able to talk rationally to your co-parent in this crisis time? Would you like to be able to evaluate the risks and make good decisions for your children together? Cooperate with each other in order to get your college-age children home? Arrange daycare coverage for your school-age kids who are now home? If you’ve been following this blog, you’ve met our Modern Family and have seen they had a contentious divorce, but after their Day of Reckoning (day-of-reckoning.html) decided they needed to work together in a more harmonious way for the good of their children. After the divorce Modern Family Dad purchased a vacation home in the country. In the wake of the COVID-19 outbreak he decided to retreat to this rural location for some “social distancing” and remote telework. When schools closed, the two Modern Family college-age children bunked there for a while with him. Additionally, Modern Family Mom and Dad were in constant communication about the status and safety plan for all their children as the crisis unfolded. In fact, Modern Family Dad invited Modern Family Mom, her Husband, his Darling Daughter, and all the Modern Family Children to join him and his guest at his rural retreat for the duration of the crisis. This kind of ongoing cooperation and communication is an outgrowth of intentions they set in motion for the good of their children. How can mediation help? Being a divorced family can be challenging under normal circumstances. Extraordinary circumstances, whether a national crisis like a pandemic, or a family crisis, will be an additional challenge for a divorced family. These circumstances will require increased cooperation and communication. If the ego of the adults is engaged, rather than the best interest of the children, it is a recipe for disaster. Deciding what type of co-parenting relationship you want to have from the beginning will set you up for success in the day-to-day and in times of crisis. Mediation allows you to create the Parenting Plan that suits your values and needs and build a solid co-parenting relationship. For now, stay home, stay flexible, and wash your hands! “Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
Around the whole room, and he took every present!” – Dr. Seuss – “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” Even the Who Hash? Yes, Cindy Lou Who, even the Who Hash. In this scene, made famous in “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” the nasty Grinch takes everything from the family’s house, right down to the last can of Who Hash. He wipes the place clean. Before he commits this evil deed he spends lots of time scheming about how he plans to do it and he visualizes how good it will make him feel to do it and how bad it will make the other person feel. He takes great joy in the planning and the pain he will inflict. I wish I could say this happens only in cartoon movies, but unfortunately I’ve seen this happen in relation to divorce. When I used to work on the litigation side of things there were several times I’d get a distraught call from a client who came home to discover they had been “Who Hashed.” Everything was gone. Can you imagine coming home to find that your house has been cleaned out right down to the shower heads and the food in your freezer? By your spouse, nonetheless? The client was understandably bewildered. How could this happen? Why would someone take everything? Certainly no ONE person needs ALL the towels, draperies or sofas and chairs (or shower heads!)?! What happened to the idea of dividing possessions? They are in shock, angered and in pain. Often they need to quickly provision their home again (at great expense) so that they and their children can continue to live in the home. How could the other party be so selfish, they wonder. Like the Grinch, this is an action that took a lot of planning, and while we can never really know their motivation, it certainly wasn’t intended to be a peaceful, cooperative or healing act. And, as you can imagine, this only causes to escalate tensions in a litigated divorce. It is unlikely there will be any civil relations or healing interactions after this level of betrayal. There’s really no coming back from being “Who Hashed.” How can mediation help? During mediation we discuss a large variety of topics, and ‘personal property’ – or, as I like to call it, ‘your stuff’ – is something I always bring up. The manner in which you divide ‘your stuff’ is important, so let’s talk about it. Let’s talk about what ‘your stuff’ means to you, and what you’re going to need as you transition into your new lives. Let’s talk about all the options for dividing ‘your stuff’ so you can make your own decisions and everyone gets what they want and need and no one gets “Who Hashed.” Let’s make that process peaceful, cooperative and healing. And maybe everyone’s heart will grow three sizes that day! Trigger Warning:
This post was originally created to highlight the possibility of collaborative and flexible co-parenting. However, for parties dealing with a high conflict person (HCP), or any type of abuse, this level of cooperation will likely never be possible. Furthermore, in abusive or controlling relationships you may view this through a different lens where you see this not as cooperative but as manipulative in order to get what they want. I have included this warning to reflect your reality and have addressed the impact of this more thoroughly here (modern-family-update-with-a-twist.html). How many times have you heard the phrase the “new normal?” It crops up frequently here at The Mediation Table. For the families in transition I see in mediation, we recognize that divorce is a life narrative that has been shattered. Your life is not going to proceed as you envisioned. However, we also recognize that divorce does not end the family, it restructures it – thus, the “new normal.” If you’ve been following this blog, you’ve met our Modern Family and have seen they had a contentious divorce but after their Day of Reckoning (day-of-reckoning.html) decided they needed to work together in a more harmonious way for the good of their children. As with many divorces, our Modern Family had to make some hard choices and begin creating their “new normal” at the time of divorce. Some of those choices were big – like living arrangements and job adjustments – and some were small, like creating new traditions in the day-to-day. But they all worked together to create the “new normal” for all members of the family. Modern Family Dad always traveled a lot for his job, but when they created their Parenting Plan, the Modern Family Parents decided it would be best for them to equally share their parenting time. That meant Modern Family Dad had to make some changes. He no longer traveled during his parenting weeks and he arranged with his employer to come into the office later and leave earlier during his parenting time. This was all part of creating the “new normal.” (As a teacher, Modern Family Mom already had some of the needed flexibility). Modern Family Dad also recognized the importance of creating new daily routines for him and the Modern Family Children in this “new normal.” He started walking his children to the elementary school down the block each morning after packing their lunches together. This was an important new ritual in their mornings that included stopping at a special corner in the sidewalk they christened the Hug Triangle, where Modern Family Dad said a special good-bye to each child for the day. None of these things existed prior to the divorce. These were all purposefully constructed new accommodations and traditions designed to restructure the family framework for both the adults and the children in our Modern Family to make them feel happy and secure. These job changes, as well as fresh, day-to-day traditions contributed to the “new normal” for our Modern Family. How can mediation help? Change is inevitable in divorce. All divorcing families are in transition. As we can see by our Modern Family example, it is possible to take the intentions begun in mediation and build new traditions for your family. Mediation allows for full explorations of all those possibilities - the big ones like living arrangements and job accommodations - as well as space to begin thinking about the new traditions you will create. So, what will your “new normal” look like?
My morning routine consists of coffee and reading the Washington Post. In this day and age of contentious news, I generally stick to the advice columnists and the funny pages (as my grandfather used to call the comics). Recently, one of my favorite columnists posted a question that hit a little too close to my mediator heart. Here’s the link: https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/advice/carolyn-hax-what-to-do-when-divorced-dad-acts-like-the-baby-of-the-family/2020/02/11/35fb043e-49e8-11ea-b4d9-29cc419287eb_story.html In a nutshell, the adult letter writer has parents who divorced 15+ years ago and she is still experiencing fall-out from their contentious divorce. Specifically, she is asking how to deal with acrimonious divorced parents in light of her child’s (their grandchild’s) upcoming bar mitzvah. Her parents cannot, after more than 15 years of divorce, be in the same room with each other and the letter writer is looking for advice for brokering civility for the sake of this once-in-a-lifetime event. Sad, right? What I see here are the consequence of actions set into place from the very beginning of the divorce. When I meet with parents in mediation, one of the very first things we talk about is the fact that they can end the business of being married to each other but they can never end the business of being co-parents. At this juncture I usually get push-back from one or both parents who insist that parenting duties end at age 18 (or graduation from high school or other emancipating event). Perhaps in the eyes of the law they do – but what about in life? I invite them to think about all the life events that occur after the age of 18: college graduations, marriages, grandchildren, baptisms, bar/mat mitzvahs? Or what about big, milestone events in the family like anniversaries or birthdays? Or even funerals? (as I’ve written about here no-regrets.html). Are they just going to skip those? Hmmmm. I invite them to envision the interactions and relationships they would like to be able to have with their children, as well as with each other, not only for the years leading up to the magic age of 18, but well beyond for all these life events. What would that look like? What would that feel like? How can mediation help? In mediation we can discuss things like intentions and feelings. We get to envision future relationships and structure agreements that honor those intentions and build a plan for success. In mediation you are making your own decisions about what your future relationships will look like rather than having someone else make those decisions for you. Now, doesn’t that sound better than becoming the topic of a future advice column letter? 🎶“Hey, wontcha play another somebody done somebody wrong song . . .” 🎶
“Hey Won’t You Play” B.J. Thomas -1975 These are the lyrics that kept rolling through my head the other night as I stood at yet another cocktail party and listened to yet another sad divorce tale from someone I just met. See, when you are a mediator this is a hazard of the profession. Working in the family law field, when you introduce yourself to someone new and get to the part of the conversation about your profession, everyone’s eyes get big, most people gasp and express what an awful job that must be (actually, it isn’t, I say, I feel very privileged to be able to help good people at their worst time, I say). Then I get to hear everyone’s divorce and custody stories. It is kind of like being a doctor and everywere they go someone wants them to diagnose their mole or rash. Except instead of a mole or a rash I get to hear about someone’s terrible ex or how much money they spent in attorney fees, or the unfair judge who took away their children or their 401K. It is rare I hear anyone tell a story of a good divorce. And as I reflected on my most recent evening out like this, I realized that these people are traumatized. They are telling their stories over and over again because they feel like they have lost control of their situations and are still struggling to make sense of what happened to them. And, quite frankly, that’s exactly what did happen. Rather than making their own decisions about their futures they had those decisions made for them by the courts. Research shows that people who make their own decisions are more likely to be happier with those choices and are more likely to follow them. (Mediation in Small Claims Court: Achieving Compliance through Consent; Craig A. McEwen and Richard J. Maiman; Law & Society Review; Vol. 18, No. 1 (1984), pp. 11-50). It’s not a big stretch then to think the opposite would also be true. How can mediation help? I used to resent getting cornered and monopolized like that at cocktail parties. I used to feel like I had to help all these folks solve their problems. Then I realized I was taking the wrong approach. What they really need is compassion about their trauma and an opportunity to think about things differently. I now use those conversations to reframe the discussion about divorce and custody in general, and not about their specific situations. Especially if there are children involved I’ll tell touching and successful co-parenting stories to drive home the idea that custody doesn’t magically evaporate at age 18 and that you can end the business of being married but you can never stop being co-parents to your children. Or I’ll break out some of my quirkier property settlement experiences to demonstrate the creative and out-of-the-box thinking that can happen in mediation when our hands aren’t tied by the limits of litigation. Inevitably this moves the conversation out of rehashing and problem-solving mode and expands everyone’s thinking to what is possible. And while it might be too late for some people, there are others who can still benefit from this shift in thinking and those who can benefit from mediation going forward. And I enjoy going to cocktail parties much more! Now, is there anyone here who can look at my mole? This past week you couldn’t look at social media or turn on the TV without hearing about the tragic deaths of Kobe Bryant and the other occupants of the helicopter. There was also a lot of airtime devoted to Demi Lovato and her comeback at the Grammys and the Superbowl after her struggle with addiction and drug overdose. And as the collective public conscience processed the implications of these tragedies we seemed to sift down to some version of:
Carpe diem! Someday isn’t coming – live for today! Don’t miss an opportunity to tell people you love them! None of these action steps are bad advice. But I do wonder how this works for the people I see at The Mediation Table. My clients are often feeling mired in tragedies of their own. Their lives are in transition and they are having a very hard time seeing into the future and generally aren’t feeling very loving toward their partner, or sometimes anyone else. They are often hurting, confused and scared. They aren’t feeling very carpe diem. I once had a friend tell me that if her ex-spouse died she wouldn’t go to his funeral. And they had children together. Think about that – she wasn’t even willing to go to the funeral of the father of her children – even for her children’s sake! That’s an indication of how acrimonious their divorce had been and how much bitterness she was still carrying. Contrast this with the outcome we saw here with our Modern Family (no-regrets.html) when a beloved family member died recently and Modern Family Dad was able to attend the funeral of his ex-wife’s cousin because of the conscientious co-parenting relationship they had cultivated. Those are vastly different outcomes for these two families. So what makes the difference? The difference is that each family had made an active choice about how they wanted to live their lives. They had chosen different action steps. So as you are making decisions in your time of transition, how do you want to live your life? How can mediation help? As your mediator, it is my role to help people make decisions so they can take control of their lives and shape their futures. By just engaging in mediation, rather than litigation (or alongside litigation), you have made a choice to decide what your future is going to look like. Mediation is a facilitated discussion about you, your family, your needs and your goals. In mediation, you make the decisions about your future rather than the judicial system. So go ahead and carpe diem and make today your someday (and don’t forget to tell someone you love them)! Trigger Warning:
This post was originally created to highlight the possibility of collaborative and flexible co-parenting. However, for parties dealing with a high conflict person (HCP), or any type of abuse, this level of cooperation will likely never be possible. Furthermore, in abusive or controlling relationships you may view this through a different lens where you see this not as cooperative but as manipulative in order to get what they want. I have included this warning to reflect your reality and have addressed the impact of this more thoroughly here (modern-family-update-with-a-twist.html). The holiday season has finally wound down for this year, but for the families I see at The Mediation Table holidays are something we talk about every day, all year round. Part of creating any good Parenting Plan is a discussion about how the holidays will be celebrated going forward. Most families need the structure of a good Parenting Plan, at least to get them started. For those of you following this blog, you’ve met our Modern Family. After an initial acrimonious divorce, Modern Family Mom and Dad learned how to work together for the good of the Modern Family Children (day-of-reckoning.html). In the beginning they followed their Parenting plan to a “T.” The Modern Family Children are older now and although Modern Family Mom and Dad don’t really follow a formal Parenting Plan anymore, they still talk and coordinate time to maximize everyone’s enjoyment for each of the major holidays. This year, Modern Family Dad celebrated a boisterous Thanksgiving gathering that included the Modern Family Children, friends, neighbors, and an especially cute visiting dog. He also enjoyed time with the Modern Family Children and their far-flung visiting cousins over New Year’s week. Which, by agreement meant the Modern Family Children celebrated Christmas with Modern Family Mom. But Modern Family Dad knew he wanted to see their children around Christmas too, if at all possible. So, in the spirit of what our Modern Family has developed over the years he called Modern Family Mom and invited ALL of them out to dinner in the few days before Christmas. Yup, ALL of them. And the truly Modern Family Christmas dinner was born! Modern Family Mom, her husband, his daughter, Modern Family Dad and all the Modern Family Children enjoyed a lovely restaurant dinner before they all went their separate ways for Christmas. And because of the trust they had rebuilt over the years, and the hard work they had put into their co-parenting relationship, everyone had a terrific time - TOGETHER. And that new photo on Modern Family Dad’s Facebook page with him and the Modern Family Children? It was taken by Modern Family Mom’s new husband! How can mediation help? Certainly not every family will be a Modern Family, but each family has its own goals about what they want their future to look like after the transition of divorce - including how holiday time will be celebrated. Mediation is a great place to talk about these and other goals and decide for yourself what you want the future to hold for you and your family. The possibilities are endless. Let’s talk. I spend a lot of time answering questions from potential mediation clients, which I love to do by the way. There really isn’t a lot of reliable information out there about what mediation is (and isn’t) – or about the divorce process in general – so educating people going through this time of their lives is an important part of what I do.
Inevitably one of the questions that comes up is some form of “how long does mediation take/how many sessions will we need?” And then I have to give the most unsatisfactory answer of all time: “It Depends.” But it really does depend on many factors. Listed below are just a few things that can influence the number of sessions needed. It Depends:
My clients enjoy being able to make their own decisions and be in charge of their own outcomes. Sometimes that can be achieved in one session and sometimes it takes ten sessions. I would say both of those time frames are on the extreme ends of the scale. And as you can see by the list above, there are some things you can do to come into mediation more prepared. But really, IT DEPENDS. Trigger Warning:
This post was originally created to highlight the possibility of collaborative and flexible co-parenting. However, for parties dealing with a high conflict person (HCP), or any type of abuse, this level of cooperation will likely never be possible. Furthermore, in abusive or controlling relationships you may view this through a different lens where you see this not as cooperative but as manipulative in order to get what they want. I have included this warning to reflect your reality and have addressed the impact of this more thoroughly here (modern-family-update-with-a-twist.html). Even before the divorce, Modern Family Dad was comfortable in the kitchen. He travelled a lot for his job but when home he often took over the cooking duties and specialized in big breakfasts. He really enjoyed making sure his family had a good meal before heading out the door in the morning for school and work. It was one of the ways he showed them he loved them. If you’ll recall, our Modern Family initially had a contentious divorce but after their Day of Reckoning (day-of-reckoning.html) decided they needed to work together in a more harmonious way for the good of the children. They were able to eventually co-parent effectively, but those changes didn’t happen overnight. Trust had to be re-built. But where to begin? Shortly after the Day of Reckoning, in addition to cooking for the kids each morning, Modern Family Dad started cooking a breakfast sandwich for Modern Family Mom on the mornings she picked the kids up before school. He didn’t ask – he just did it. He knew how she liked it – broken yolk, lightly toasted bagel – and he just had it ready for her when she showed up. Just a small act of kindness on a hectic morning. Here at the Mediation Table the issues I see are often serious and hurtful, causing people to struggle with trusting their co-parents for any variety of reasons. So how do they rebuild trust and go forward in a workable co-parenting relationship? It’s not easy. And often times it takes baby steps. And while you don’t have to cook, it does start with the small things – like the Modern Family Mom breakfast sandwich. Or just small kindnesses in general. Remember, you don’t have to be married to (or partnered with) these people anymore, but you will forever be the parents of the children you have together. So treat your co-parent with kindness and respect by:
Exhibiting kindness and respect for your co-parent will not only make your life more pleasant but it will model wonderful, collaborative behavior for your children. And who knows, you may even get a breakfast sandwich out of it! “It’s easy to judge. It’s more difficult to understand.
Understanding requires compassion, patience, and a willingness to believe that good hearts sometimes choose poor methods. Through judging, we separate. Through understanding, we grow. “ – Doe Zantamata It’s the new year. Also, the beginning of a new decade. There are lots of pithy or wise quotes on social media. Many people make new year resolutions, or set intentions or goals, pick their one word for the year that will inspire them, or begin journaling. I’ve done or do all of the above. In tough times and times of transition some people derive comfort and growth from these actions. The quote above is one of those new year/new you quotes that has been making the rounds on social media this week. It struck me because of this phrase: Good hearts sometimes choose poor methods Every day in my practice at The Mediation Table I witness some version of this phrase. By the very nature of what I do I see good people at their very worst time; people who are raw and hurting. People whose lives have fallen apart because of something they said or did in their relationship. They come to me in a very vulnerable state. They may have lied, or cheated, or just been an ineffective partner on some level. And as a result of these actions their relationships are ending and they need my help. And while I’ve met some people I like more than others over the years, I can honestly say I’ve never met a truly evil person. All these people have good hearts. They are good people, at least on some level, and have strengths and weaknesses just like everyone else. They may be misguided, or addicted, have mental illness or are just suffering a temporary setback. And many, many have DONE bad things. But those are behaviors or illnesses or addictions, but those actions ARE NOT the person. Let me say that again: bad behaviors do not make you a bad person. Or, said another way as in the above quote: good hearts sometimes choose poor methods. And at The Mediation Table we may have to examine those behaviors because often times they are what brought you to the table. And some of those behaviors may have an impact on parenting or money issues. Or they may not. They may be relevant history or they may just be history. So, as you begin this new year and new decade, go ahead and make your resolution, set your intention or goals, pick your one word, but do not let your past bad actions define who you are. You may have to draw awareness to those past actions, you may need to deal with the consequences of those actions, you may have to make amends, you may have to take steps to change behaviors, but you do not have to let yourself or anyone else define who you are by your actions. Welcome 2020! Thanksgiving has passed and we’re just a few days away from Christmas. It’s the time of year when extended family gathers, maybe for the first time all year, and conversation can be *lively* - and not always in a positive and constructive manner. I’ve been at my share of unruly dinner tables, both with kids and adults. I bet you have too. There are times I wished I had a magic wand to put an end to the bickering and cross talk.
The native American cultures originated the custom of the Talking Stick for this very purpose. You may also be familiar with it from its adopted use by the Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts for their meeting management. The Talking Stick was used to keep order during meetings. The Talking Stick is passed from person to person as they speak and only the person holding the stick is allowed to talk during that time period. This allows the focus to be only on the speaker and allows the speaker to complete their thoughts without being interrupted. It truly is a magic wand! How does this relate to mediation, you ask? The couples I see at The Mediation Table often cite communication as one of their biggest issues. They say they can no longer talk to each other. They cite examples of how they cut each other off, talk over each other and do not speak respectfully to each other. Usually it is the other person’s fault. In the end, neither party feels like they are being heard. Well no wonder with that pattern of communication! And while the topics may be different, it sounds kind of like the unruly family holiday meals. I don’t set many rules in my mediation sessions, but one thing I do stress, and try to adhere to, is that everyone will have time to speak and that we will not interrupt someone when they are speaking. I assure each party that I will get to them in turn and that they will have an opportunity to have their say. I set this intention at the beginning of each session to reassure everyone that they will be heard. For most people this “verbal talking stick” is enough. But some people are so ingrained in their ways, or so anxious about stating their position, they continue to interrupt frequently. For those folks I bring out my physical Talking Stick. In my case it is an actual Magic Wand from Cinderella’s Castle, just like I always wanted during those unruly family meals. I use this Magic Wand/Talking Stick as a visual reminder that only the person holding the Magic Wand/Talking Stick may talk. It’s a little goofy, but it works! When my clients call me they often express concern about being able to have a constructive conversation about their issues. They may be separated or still living under the same roof, but whatever has moved them to make that call to me has created tension in their lives to the point where they need professional assistance. Having a neutral third party in the room to facilitate their conversation, and using visual cues like the Talking Stick and other techniques allows them to communicate effectively to reach their stated goals. Hmmm . . . maybe I should start bringing my Magic Wand to holiday meals! I recently brought lunch to a dear friend who was recovering from surgery . She had received a devastating diagnosis that would alter her life after undergoing a routine medical exam.
As we ate lunch together she shared with me that the initial surgery had gone well and she was slowly healing. And then she began to share her story. She described her experience from the initial, annual doctor appointment that revealed this news which sent her reeling, to the heart retching moment she had to inform her husband and children of this new reality. And then the process of telling her extended family and friends. And the acceptance of the diagnosis and the surgery is just the beginning for her. She is now faced with reviewing what that surgery has yielded, sifting through her choice of specialists and choosing a process for the treatments that will determine her outcome. She is overwhelmed. Her world is topsy-turvy. My dear friend went on to express frustration that she didn’t have all the answers in the process. She had already created a binder for her papers, ordered books off the internet, read articles, started consulting support groups and other experts but she still had so many questions! Now, my friend is a very smart woman. She is a lawyer, volunteer, advocate, wife, mother, and has a HUGE support system of friends and family. This is a woman who knows how to get things done! Yet here she was facing something huge, new, unknown, once-in-a-lifetime, devastating and she thought she should already know how to handle it. How does this relate to mediation you ask? Two ways. First: My dear friend sounds an awful lot like the clients I work with. Her diagnosis with a serious, life altering medical condition and the choices that follow are not that unlike the shock and devastation that goes along with the issues facing my divorce and custody clients. Second: I spend a great deal of time on the phone talking to prospective clients about mediation – educating them about what mediation is, and isn’t. And when I speak to these folks many of them are like my dear friend. They are frustrated with themselves that they don’t know how to “do” divorce. Many of my clients are smart, educated people just like my dear friend and they think that they should be able to just figure this out. Divorce and custody issues, like life-altering medical conditions, aren’t something most people have a frame of reference for, like other big events in our lives. And you can’t always rely on the advice (or horror stories) of others because family issues, like medical issues, are very personal and fact specific to YOU. It’s ok not to know how to “do” this. Most people (fingers crossed) will only divorce once in their lifetime so this is not something you will ever need to be an expert about! It’s ok to ask lots of questions, it’s ok to take your time, it’s ok to explore and choose the process that’s best for you. As I told my dear friend, process determines the outcome and only you can determine the process that is best for you. Be gentle with yourself and be well! Trigger Warning:
This post was originally created to highlight the possibility of collaborative and flexible co-parenting. However, for parties dealing with a high conflict person (HCP), or any type of abuse, this level of cooperation will likely never be possible. Furthermore, in abusive or controlling relationships you may view this through a different lens where you see this not as cooperative but as manipulative in order to get what they want. I have included this warning to reflect your reality and have addressed the impact of this more thoroughly here (modern-family-update-with-a-twist.html). Modern Family Dad is going to a funeral this weekend. So what you say. But this funeral is for his ex-Wife’s cousin. Who he hasn’t seen or talked to since his divorce more than 15 years ago. If you’ll remember, Modern Family Mom and Dad had an acrimonious divorce but then a wake-up call (day-of-reckoning.html) and have worked together well ever since (parent-season.html). But sometimes extended family is slow to come on board with the new plan. Sometimes they never do. This cousin and her husband and kids were very close to Modern Family during their marriage and had spent a lot of time with them and traveled extensively with them, so the divorce impacted their relationships greatly. As often happens, family members side with their kin at divorce and this cousin sided with Modern Family Mom. As you can imagine, this was hurtful to Modern Family Dad and he missed these relationships greatly. Fast forward to the present: the cousin dies a tragic death at a young age and Modern Family Mom is distraught and Modern Family Dad regrets all the lost years of relationship with people he once called friends and thought of as family. Fortunately, the relationship between Modern Family Mom and Dad is such that they have been able to support each other and their children in this loss. They’ve been able to enjoy their shared memories of time with this cousin. And Modern Family Dad will be able to attend the cousin’s funeral alongside his ex-wife and their kids to honor her life well-lived. ********************************************************************************************************************** At The Mediation Table I can’t help but wonder how those intervening years might have been different if there hadn’t been acrimony at the beginning of the divorce. What if the message the divorcing couple had communicated to the world (and to each other) was that they are a united front and there was no need to take sides? What if neighbors and family members could maintain relationships with both members of the couple even after divorce? How would that benefit the children? There is so much change and loss that comes naturally with divorce, wouldn’t it be nice to operate in a manner that creates as little grief as possible? I’ve seen this happen with mediation. Here at The Mediation Table, maintaining extended family relationships is just one of the many things we can discuss. And you may never know how valuable that is until many years in the future. Those people
No one wants to be those people. You know, those people that everyone talks about - as in “did you hear about those people who are going through the horrible divorce/had the police at their house/hired the shark attorneys/can’t stop fighting about their kids/can’t be at their kid’s events together/fight in public” – you know, those people. But what if, despite your best intentions, you are? What if you could set your intentions differently? *** My first job in the legal field was as a paralegal for a family law attorney. Fresh out school, with the ink barely dry on my paralegal degree, I helped her with a very contentious divorce that eventually settled via a hybrid mediation/negotiated settlement. But not before these people were those people who fought over EVERYTHING, and I do mean everything. And for these those people it was the stuff that they got hung up on. In my world the technical name for stuff is personal property – but it is still just your stuff. And, for the most part, unless it is priceless antiques and collectibles it has yard sale value in the eyes of the law. But these those people squabbled over everyday dishes and matching lighthouse throw pillows and blankets as if they were priceless antiques (never mind the fact that they could have replaced these items three times over with the amount of money they were paying their attorneys!). Looking back now, I think this occurred because these those people had not thought about what was truly important to them - they had set no priorities - and as a result everything was equally important to them. They had set no intentions for their future and they were not willing to let go of anything. It became a death match. But my favorite by far was what they finally decided to do with the Christmas ornaments. Neither one of these those people trusted the other to divide the Christmas ornament collection evenly (or do anything for that matter) so they agreed to do it under the supervision of a designated representative. Lucky me! So after we left court on the day of their divorce hearing they lugged three large boxes of Christmas ornaments into our conference room, they tossed a coin to see who would go first and proceeded to spend HOURS taking turns choosing ornaments under my watchful eye. But as I watched them take turns choosing their ornaments a magical and curious thing happened – they stopped being those people! After 18 months of squawking and squabbling about every little thing, they were suddenly able to connect once again as parents and with their history as they reminisced over the ornaments their children made and the places they traveled when collecting ornaments. For those few hours they ceased being those people and connected with the people they had once been. Maybe it was the relief of finally having the divorce behind them, or maybe the ornaments evoked a particular response, but the animosity melted away and there was real cooperation, sharing and recognition of each other’s wishes. It was quite a sight! *** In mediation we focus on goal setting for the future and specifically talk about everyone’s route to get there. Many of my clients have entered the mediation process specifically because they have decided NOT to be those people. What intentions would you set for your future if you didn’t have to be those people? Day of Reckoning
Trigger Warning: This post was originally created to highlight the possibility of collaborative and flexible co-parenting. However, for parties dealing with a high conflict person (HCP), or any type of abuse, this level of cooperation will likely never be possible. Furthermore, in abusive or controlling relationships you may view this through a different lens where you see this not as cooperative but as manipulative in order to get what they want. I have included this warning to reflect your reality and have addressed the impact of this more thoroughly here (modern-family-update-with-a-twist.html). Whether your divorce is cooperative or acrimonious, it can take time to adjust to the ‘new normal.’ How do you interact with this person who is now only your co-parent and no longer your spouse? What if feelings are still really raw? After all, even as adults we are still only human. Sometimes we need a wake-up call to gain perspective and get us all working in the same direction: *** Like many families with school-aged children, Modern Family Dad and Modern Family Mom chose to live in the same school district after their divorce in order to provide consistency and stability for their children and simplify their co-parenting future. While they were eventually able to settle their divorce, it had been acrimonious and filled with plenty of vitriol on both sides. Feelings were raw as both parents set up new households and they settled into the shared custody schedule, seeing each other often. Despite some large scale parenting successes (summertime-vacation-wows-or-woes.html), the pain of the divorce caused day-to-day struggles and score keeping in their parenting interactions. Then the Day of Reckoning occurred. On the Day of Reckoning, oldest Modern Family Child came home to Modern Family Dad with a ‘B’ in math on her report card. Not a big deal for most families, except Modern Family Dad is an engineer and Modern Family Mom is a STEM teacher. As expected, Modern Family Kids excel in the maths and sciences. Until they didn’t. Modern Family Dad called Modern Family Mom to break the news of the ‘B’ in math. This was a wake up call for Modern Family Parents. Their children do not get ‘B’s’ in math or science subjects! While they had set up nice, new separate households and were efficiently following their nice, new parenting schedule, they had not recognized how their continuing acrimony was impacting the kids. This was a wake-up call for Modern Family Parents. In that moment, they pledged that the nonsense had to stop and they had to change the focus back to their children’s well being. *** For this Modern Family the change wasn’t overnight, but slowly these parents made the conscious choice, day-by-day, to interact with each other differently. They chose to keep their word, be flexible and communicative, show up on time, be civil, and be respectful in their conversations and interactions. They were not perfect but they were intentional and consistent. And at next report card time, and in the years to come, the Modern Family Kids excelled not only in math and science but in life, secure in the fact that their parents are on the same team. A Modern Family Summer Vacation
Trigger Warning: This post was originally created to highlight the possibility of collaborative and flexible co-parenting. However, for parties dealing with a high conflict person (HCP), or any type of abuse, this level of cooperation will likely never be possible. Furthermore, in abusive or controlling relationships you may view this through a different lens where you see this not as cooperative but as manipulative in order to get what they want. I have included this warning to reflect your reality and have addressed the impact of this more thoroughly here (modern-family-update-with-a-twist.html). Summertime is here. In addition to sun and fun this often means a different schedule than during the school year for divorced families, especially for those with school-aged children. When I work with families on their Parenting Plan, one of the things I address is whether ‘summertime schedule’ will look different than ‘school year schedule.’ Even for people without school-aged children, summertime at the very least means discussing vacation time spent with each parent. Like all other aspects of the Parenting Plan, vacation planning works best when there is communication and compromise. What does that look like? Once again, I turn to our thoroughly Modern Family to show us how it can work: *** The ink was barely dry on the Modern Family divorce papers when it was time to plan summer vacation. Modern Family Dad and Modern Family Mom had been very thoughtful in their Parenting Plan and while feelings were still raw, they anticipated no problems in their first co-parenting foray. What could go wrong? They had executed such a thoughtful Parenting Plan!! Modern Family Dad knew exactly what he wanted his first post-divorce vacation to be with Modern Family Kids. Being the ♪son of a son of a sailor♪ he had always wanted to take his kids on a sailing trip, something Modern Family Mom wasn’t interested in. Now was finally the perfect time! He researched his options and found the perfect boat, itinerary and location – there was only one snag. The week he chose conflicted with another aspect of their Parenting Plan. See, Modern Family Mom loves her birthday and their Parenting Plan included a provision that the children are to spend the day with Modern Family Mom on her birthday. And Modern Family Mom’s birthday happened to fall during the time Modern Family Dad wanted to take Modern Family kids sailing. Now what? Modern Family Dad had an idea, but it was going to require communication and compromise on the part of both him and Modern Family Mom. Would it work? Modern Family Dad called Modern Family Mom and proposed his plan. He suggested to sail with the kids during his chosen week and then pay to fly Modern Family Mom to a resort along their itinerary route at the end of the week. His plan was to dock the boat and drop off Modern Family Kids so they could spend her birthday weekend with Modern Family Mom, thus ensuring that both parents got quality time with the kids, Modern Family Dad got his dream sailing trip and the birthday provision of the Parenting Plan was honored. Needless to say Modern Family Mom said yes (who wouldn’t say yes to a free vacation!) and the kids had a fantastic summer vacation experience as well as the opportunity to see their parents working together. *** There are many considerations to successful vacation planning under your new family structure – here are just a few:
And, as our thoroughly Modern Familyshows us, even with good planning and a clear Parenting Plan, sometimes you just need to be flexible and communicative in order to maximize opportunities and do what is best for YOUR family. A MODERN FAMILY MOTHER’S DAY
Trigger Warning: This post was originally created to highlight the possibility of collaborative and flexible co-parenting. However, for parties dealing with a high conflict person (HCP), or any type of abuse, this level of cooperation will likely never be possible. Furthermore, in abusive or controlling relationships you may view this through a different lens where you see this not as cooperative but as manipulative in order to get what they want. I have included this warning to reflect your reality and have addressed the impact of this more thoroughly here (modern-family-update-with-a-twist.html). Right now we are in parent season – Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. This time of year can be tough for separated and divorced parents as they adapt to the new normal. But rather than being fraught with anxiety, maybe it can be a time of unity focused on the needs of the child(ren) thanks to a little creative thinking. With that in mind, I offer you a thoroughly Modern Family Mother’s Day story: *** Modern Family Dad has been divorced from Modern Family Mom for about 10 years. After some initial acrimony they have been communicative and generally cooperative co-parents for their now-teenage daughter. They have shared custody of Darling Daughter and this year, for a variety of reasons, Darling Daughter is with Modern Family Dad and his Newish Girlfriend for Mother’s Day weekend. Modern Family Dad relishes what time he has with Darling Daughter, but is really conflicted about finding a way for Darling Daughter to spend time with Modern Family Mom for Mother’s Day. Reluctant to give up any of his cherished time, especially the big Sunday morning breakfasts he traditionally cooks for Darling Daughter when they are together, he comes up with an idea and suggests it . . . a little hesitantly . . . to Newish Girlfriend. What if Modern Family Dad and Newish Girlfriend host a brunch at their house for Modern Family Mom and Modern Family Step-Dad to celebrate Mother’s Day? Newish Girlfriend, having previously met and pleasantly interacted with Modern Family Mom and Step-Dad, and valuing extended family relationships, thinks this is a fabulous idea and Modern Family Dad extends the invitation! Modern Family Mom accepts the invitation and while Darling Daughter declares the whole thing “weird” as teenagers are apt to do, the thoroughly Modern Family Mother’s Day Brunch is born. On Mother’s Day, Darling Daughter has ALL her parents present and all parents get to share time with Darling Daughter. It isn’t “weird” at all as Darling Daughter feared, but is a lovely meal shared by all. *** When crafting a Parenting Plan with families, my clients often list the Parent Holidays as some of the most important holidays to discuss. They are usually the most discussed holidays in mediation, followed closely by Halloween, then the more traditional holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas. Why are these Parent Holidays so high on everyone’s list in mediation? I think because these days, and the accompanying celebrations, are the very embodiment and recognition of parenting identity. Especially during a time of family transition, such as separation and divorce, I think my clients are eager to preserve their parenting roles even as so much else is changing. As a result, what I see is that most families agree on is some version of ‘Mother’s Day with the Mother and Father’s Day with the Father’ for their Parenting Plans. And that makes sense, right? Maybe, maybe not. My overriding message to all my clients is: (1) they know what is best for their family; (2) mediation is a place to be creative; (3) they should place the needs of the child(ren) above the needs of the adults. The story above is not going to be a solution for everyone, but it was a creative solution for this family. I offer this Modern Family story as an example of out-of-the-box thinking that is possible when you stop thinking about the ‘shoulds’ and start thinking about what you want for your child(ren) and your family. Not world peace, but maybe peace for your family – and that’s enough. At Creekside Mediation, my large conference room table is an antique, 1812 farmhouse table that was once used to feed workers on a Virginia farm. I picture hardworking people gathered around this table taking nourishment, sharing stories, collaborating, supporting each other and solving problems of the day before they go back into the world renewed and refreshed for a new challenge. The modern-day use of this table for mediation sessions really isn’t that much different. While my clients likely haven’t come in from working on the farm, and the only food served here now is chocolates and coffee, people are still gathering at this table to get the support they need and to collaborate with me while they transition through their divorce and custody issues. I like to think the essence of the strong men and women of the past are with us at the table as we work through these modern-day situations. At the end of my mediations I thank my clients for inviting me into their lives, for I really do feel it is a privilege to be allowed into such an intimate and challenging time of my clients’ lives and to bear witness to their growth.
In this blog I will share with you some of the stories - both success and struggles – I have witnessed at my mediation table. It is my hope that these stories will inspire you in your time of transition, help you understand what mediation is – and isn’t – and help you erase the dreaded ‘shoulds’ that surround divorce and custody and allow you to begin the truly creative process of deciding for yourself what is best for your family via mediation. |
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